Post #4 : Measuring up

For a week now I've been yet again pondering my next move and trying to find an idea that would measure up. Even though the idea of creating a census of postable items, is certainly something that I find appealing, I fear from my side of things it's in danger of becoming a little too predictable. I've had many a suggestion from the 'Will it Post? Fanclub', I encourage anyone that wants to try their ideas to do so ( you know the address ).Of course these ideas peak my interest, most of them are generally within the same vain and obide with this idea of census. I must set the pace at all times. "For one to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times". Ideas, there are always ideas and to assemble some more, on a cold Friday evening, I went to Ikea. Whilst rocking on a chair that boasts a ten year durability, I wondered about whether or not this prediction catered for people of all weights and sizes. How can it be so general? I mean some people are built like a tank. Surely if they were to sit and slouch on this chair for 2 years it would have enough and just give way. Not only that, but ten years is a long time. Other than myself and a few friends I know that boast a rather excellent metabolism; who weighs the same for ten years? This got me to thinking, just how big was my waistline? At that moment, I spied, the free ikea pens. Like any Englishman, I am just drawn to free stuff, so I naturally made my way towards them. As I got closer I saw there were some Ikea tape measures, I had never really noticed these before and perhaps infused with the musings of my waistline, took one ( well several ) and immediately thought, will it post?


This is usually where the story ends( some of you may even think it should)but like most good stories, this one has a twist.I went about my Will it Post? routine of writing the address,stamping it and taking the requisite pictures. Following that, I walked towards the postbox, ready to post and document the item, when I noticed something rather disturbing. The information, on the front of this postbox had been removed! No longer did it state the last collection from the box. Did this mean that this that this particular postbox was set for demolision? This in itself, is not really that disturbing, it's when I realised the significance of this post box in relation to Will it Post? that the plot thickens. This post box, this very one, was the post box that my very first item had been posted from. Could it be, that due to my documentation of missing stamps and delay of the book of stamps that this post box, was being punished? Could this be some sort of 'Postal Postbox Punishment ' on behalf of Royal Mail? More distrubing still was the inclusion of a barcode on the postbox itself. Was this an attempt to track down the Will it Post command structure and dissolve it? Or worse still, to capture its commander -in-cheif.....me? With all this running through my head like a convoy of Royal Mail trucks with nothing to lose but time and reputation, I slowly backed away from the post box. There was no way I was being subjected to a dawn raid of crack covert posties, they'll have to get up earlier than this if they want to catch 'Will it Post?' - and they get up early! Remember, I set the pace. I got back to Will it Post? Command Center and quickly came up with a revised plan...

Remembering her love for Ikea and Will it Post? (and of course her address) it made most sense to me, to send this item to, Jessica in Cornwall.Although any capture or dawn raids upon her would be unfortunate, it would leave the command structure in place. Since there are rules within Royal Mail now, not about the weight of a parcel or letter, but the shape, I figured that two stamps of the First Class variety, would suffice here. So again under the cover of dark on a snowy winters' night I made my move and the fourth item was eventually posted. And here yet again, is where the story takes another twist and one with a rather sinister tone. Returning to my car, I became the subject of an egging. A car passed me at approximately 23:06 at a speed nearing 40mph and from it, an ovulation let loose. Luckily for me, the only person that ended up with the proverbial 'egg on face' was the 'Eggee'. Their throw was one so girly and insignificant, the first thing I knew about it was when I felt a mild tickle on my lower rib cage. Looking down I saw an egg bounce off my coat and pathetically smash on the floor. I was not inconveienced by their actions, infact I found the experience mildly pleasurable and couldn't help but feel like I had some kind of forcefield that was impervious to flying eggs(fleggs?) - Class 1 impossibility? I didn't get a good look at the vehicle nor the 'Eggees' involved and it's not that I'm accusing Royal Mail, but it's all rather too coincidental - like a horses head in a bed, I think I've been warned.





This Post was made on the 23rd February at approximately 23:05. Since the only unsuccessful post so far has been associated with Royal Mail Cornwall, will this post vindicate them from that loss, will it act as a warning to us all, to never send post to Cornwall?

Ikea Tape Measure
Posted on: 23/2/10
Time: 23:05
Status: Unknown

Vague Stamp Duty

Following on from the success of the banana, I am pleased to report of yet another triumph. I had, for a long time now, thought that the following item was a lost cause. But, on Saturday 13th February it landed in my porch and had yet again a Royal [Mail] addition:
The stamps . They were housed inside an official Royal Mail envelope with a little sticker on it saying "This article has been found loose in the post". Quite nice of them I'd say. However, there is a mild discrepency between the item I posted and the one I received. Yes, as the more astute followers of 'Will it Post?' might have noticed, not only have the book of stamps been ripped open, but there have been a total of three stamps removed. Vandalism! Thievery! and various other 'angry nouns' I care not to mention. Possibly even with the appropriately added exclaimation marks to suggest that I am very very displeased. I immediately grabbed my calculator and started doing 'the math'. I worked out that if I had paid £4.60 for twelve stamps then that would mean that each stamp had cost me "0.3833333333333333333333333333333". Multiply such a number by three and you have £1.15. I should then really, subract from that number the cost of one stamp, since they did send me this lovely envelope. So 1.15 - 0.3833333333333333333333333333333 = 0.76666666666666666666666666666667. The way I figure it - they owe me. But then they did give me a free bag with my banana, so I guess 'it's swings and roundabouts'.

Looking more closely at the envelope,( not too closely though, I might add ) it reveals that the stamps, or at least the envelope was post marked 11th February 2010 at the Birmingham sorting office and says 'Official Vagues Duty' - researching this term supplied me with no answers as to what this means. The eleventh? That's Sixteen days? And that's twelve working days. That's one day for every stamp, that is spooky. Are the 'RM' on to me? Are they trying to send me a coded message of some sort? Is this fate or God? Is their a God?Is God Mail or Fe-mail? Will it Post? Only the success of future posts will secure the fate of this theory and perhaps go further as to answering such questions. Conspiracy theories aside, it's also quite a long time, for something that essentially has twelve First Class Stamps attatched to it, to arrive. By rights, it should've been their top priority. It got me to thinking about its journey and why it took so long. One possibility for delay, could've been where I had posted it. Being that it went through the Birmingham sorting office, with the amount of post going through there and the size my posted item, it could've have easily got lost in some dark corner or down the back of some huge contraption, only to be retreived and assumed to be out of a larger parcel. It doesn't explain why I am missing three stamps though. Perhaps something to do with the 'vague duty'? Possibly the best excuse for a tax or duty that I've ever heard. That said, my item was delivered so once again I must say, well done Royal Mail and thank you.

Book of Stamps

Posted on: 26/1/10

Arrived on: 13/2/10

Time: 10:02

Sorted at: Birmingham B64AA

Will it Post Prediction: Correct

I Confess of Success

I must confess that I've been holding out on you you all. While I was away on my trip in Falmouth, I learned that an item I had sent had posted and I have to say I was impressed. The Royal Mail really seems to be a royal service. So shocked was I, that at first the confused text message notification I received containing many a question mark, didn't make any sense to me - although it could've been due to it waking me from a slumber. I quickly text back and demanded pictures to be taken immediatelyand here they are:





It was incredibly the banana. I never actually thought this would go through and I'm quite amazed at the profesionalism of the Royal Mail and it only took approximately 6 business days to get back to me. This does now open up more postable possibilities. Also, as an added bonus I even got an apology and a free bag! It reads:

Our Sincere
Apologies

Dear Customer

I am very sorry that the enclosed item addressed to you, has been damaged whilst in our care. Although we do all we can to prevent such damage it does occasionally occur.

If you think any of the items are missing or damaged, you can obtain the form 'Lost,damaged or delayed inland mail' by phoning your local Customer Service Centre of 08457 740 740 ( all calls are charged at local rates) or from the Post Office®branches and we will arrange
for investigations to be made.

For more information please refer to Royal Mail's Code of Practice booklet, your guide to service
standards.

Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience caused

Yours Sincerely

Customer Service Manager

----

Now that's what I call service, with a sense of humour to boot. So in future, if you're ever caugh short of an envelope when in desperate need to post a banana, you know what to do.

Banana

Posted on: 30/1/10

Arrival: 6/2/10

Time: 11:20

Will it Post? : We now know, yes

Post #3: Chain Mail Suicide

Having posted two 'will it's' on a journey of discovery, I decided to do a little discovering of my own and temporarily 'upped sticks' to the seaside town of Falmouth in Cornwall. Taking in the seaviews, cliff walks and the odd pasty ( had an apple an blackcurrent incase you were wondering - of course I pondered its postability) I couldn't help my mind taking a wander too. With the possibility of a banana winging its way to me had I created myself an albatross? As incredible as it might be, if the banana posted, where would I go from there? Could I go anywhere? Would this be it for will it post? Should I throw myself over this cliff? That would be silly, unless I was somehow torn apart by the force of waves on rock into lots of little postable pieces. Then I met a girl called Jess, a fan of will it post and suddenly I was inpired. Not to commit suicide but to further evolve 'will it'. Turns out Jess, is studying art at the University College Falmouth. We discussed 'das post ya' for a few hours and before one knew it, I ( ok we ) had a crafty idea.It's good to collaborate once in a while I find. It can help you to see an idea you have, more clearly and doing so this time didn't do that. I already have the idea and I know what it is, no woman can change me, or will it post. Fortunately for Jess, she is more of a girl and girls are good. So on a bleak windy day in Falmouth, Will It Post had its first [collborative]outsider effort and it pains me to say that I liked it.

Jess had created a paper chain letter to send through the post. This wasn't any paper chain letter, oh no. It was a perfect cut out of this, now no longer hypothetical paper chain letter's destination address.In order for it to be posted, the postman( or woman )would have to open it out to see the address. We placed two stamps on it this time. One on the full stop after the postcode and one on the 'R' of the postcode - being that it was technically the most upper right position of the letter. Due to the delicate nature of the letter, our concern was that it might rip on its 400 mile long perilous journey. Who knows what heavy handed person or machine(do machines even have hands? perhaps a post or a blog for another time) it might encouter. So in order to try an appease both those concerned for the letters' safety and the Will it Post purists out there, we decided to use a paper clip to bind it all together; the postcode portion of the chain clearly visible on top. Luckily those arty folk at UCF were on hand again and fashioned me a paper clip.Thanks Lucy.


The post was made on 4th February 2010 at approximately 17:00. Last collection from the post box will be at 16:00.So unfortunately because life moves so much slower down in Falmouth, it means, so will the progress of this post.
Paper Chain
Posted on: 4/2/10
Status : Unknown
Will it Post? 80% Yes